surrounded

i came back to photography out of desperation. our family was struggling financially and i was just...struggling. i needed something for myself, but i couldn't stand the thought of going back to nannying, retail, food services. i had never once chosen to go forth with something for the sheer fact that i enjoyed it. i was sick of hearing myself whisper to people with DLSRs how much i wish i could have one too. how much i longed to be documenting with more than my point and shoot. i could never convey why it made a difference, and i suppose it doesn't. maybe it just did, for me, then. my time spent with this craft has taught me a lot. when i first got my camera i thought i had to know all the actions and have the cutest blog and find the best font to type my name across an image that no one in their right mind would give a shit about having or stealing or publishing. i realized, i guess, at some point, that i was surrounding myself with all the wrong stuff, the wrong people, the wrong expectations of how to live life with this craft. i don't want to have the most evenly lit portraits, i love shadows. i love depth. i love story. i love the raw, real light of any given moment. one of my favorite photogs, Catherine Abegg, recently wrote a post about the why. WHY do we shoot and what do we get out of it? it hasn't left me and i've been letting it simmer ever since. i think i do it because i want to see parts of my children that i feel my parents never saw in me. i want to see the deepest beauty and hopes and dreams that they have in their little bodies. i want to see them stripped down and bare so i can know the best way to love them, to support them, to foster the passions they have within them. i want to connect in a deep, intimate way that i feel i never got to when i was their age. i am fascinated with childhood and family and so it allows me a closeness to it all. and that translates to when i'm shooting for work. i want to see a you that you do not allow yourself to see. that you are afraid to see, to embrace. a beauty and comfort inside of you. i want you to know you have it. when i'm shooting Sheryl and food, i want it to scream that she loves what she is doing, her delicate and patient detail to the placement of each tomato or piece of parsley or dollop of cream. i want to convey her passion for food, the beauty of it and the science.

one photographer i have fallen head over heels for, Deb Schwedhelm, recently posted a video clip of an interview with my absolute favorite photographer, Sally Mann. i have so many concepts i want to explore. i love how she explains why she went after death. just...to see. to see what happens. i have often fantasized about photographing crime scenes. isn't that weird?! i wish more than anything i could tag along with police regularly. and i'm not talking about the Wellesley police. i don't know what i hope to see, or do, or shoot. i just...want to go. i just want to see. i just want to take my camera and go and see what i learn about people and life and death. probably watched too many crime dramas at a young age. har har.

i recently took this image while visiting one of my best friends down on the cape. where she lives. she is my water friend. i have no other friend that is as deeply connected to the water as my friend Erica. her kids are like tadpoles. and know nothing but splashing and flopping in water. they can swim better and are braver in the water than i am. than i may ever be. she is one with the water and her kids are a reflection of the peace, tranquility and safety she feels in it. i have been photographing her and her kids ever since i've known them, almost 4 years. and never have i taken a photo of Erica that i feel is so purely her. for a moment she let her guard down and i saw her. i love this image. all i ever want to see on the other side of the lens is you. who you are, not who you think you should be, wearing what you think you should be wearing, posing how you think you should be posing. just you.

aren't i so super deep and reflective?! isabel

10 on 10 | or why you shouldn't invite me to projects

do i SUCK?! like completely and totally SUCK?! is it the fucking 13th?! why do i continue to set myself up for failure?!?! back in august, before my kid turned 7 (7?!?!?), i knew we were planning to head to NH to hit up storyland for big dude's birthday. last year's birthday slipped through the cracks financially and i was feeling major guilt to make this year AWESOME. but, and i'm sure this will shock you guys, i left it all to the last minute. and my kid's birthday is on labor day weekend. needless to say that on THURSDAY, when this all hit me, i panicked big time. luckily, or miraculously, i was able to find a little cottage/motel reasonably priced and close to storyland. the planets were aligning, this was happening.

but before all that, i had planned for this trip to be my 10 on 10 post. i have a traveling soul and when i'm stationary for too long my mind and heart wander to far away places and i long to just pick up my camera, my kids, my husband and run to the farthest corners of the earth. for now, new hampshire was going to have to do. this trip sent a little alarm bell to the artist in me. and i'm so lucky that mister chris, the husband, is so supportive. so when i say "HOLY SHIT THE LIGHT! CAN WE PULL OVER?!?! PLEASE!? PLEASE?! JUST FOR A SECOND?!?!" he and the boys totally oblige.

this our family only vacation (which was two days mind you. we broke folk find two days away a freaking dream!) was a first and meant so much more than just heading up to storyland. this last year has been one of the hardest my husband and i have faced as a couple. and i'm not going to lie, about 3-4 months ago, shit.got.real. looking ahead to fall and the start of school felt like enough to suffocate me. there was a whole big bang where everything hit the fan, and then my husband reminded me, and himself, why he married me and why we started this family and this life. a lot of hard fucking work was done. so to see us here. to look at these images. it gives me a deep happiness that is beyond words and it swells inside me and makes me want to make everything about our life better.

and oh yeah. it's like WAY more than 10 pictures long.

follow the circle and check out what Amy's up to this month!

-isabel

while my guitar gently weeps

it's always been a favorite song of mine. catch me in the right mood and it can move me to tears. it made my heart skip a few when my hubby and i were dating and he could rattle things off, little things, on a piano or guitar. for christmas i gave him a guitar, in a sort of ridiculous miracle story kinda way that involves one totally kickass friend, her totally kickass husband, and one brand new fender acoustic guitar. it was a no brainer that it had to come with on our trip up to NH.

-isabel